Grief Survival Guide

Grief Survival Guide: For the days, weeks and months following a death

After a death, whether expected, or unexpected, it can be difficult to know how to cope. Some of these tips may resonate with you and others may not, and that’s ok! We all grieve differently, and all grief is valid.

Focus on Extreme Self-Care

Drinking water, eating food, sleeping: These are the basics needed to survive this overwhelming and difficult time.

• Set an alarm or have someone remind you to do these things as your natural rhythms will be off and you may not feel any desire for food.

• Eat basic nutritional food that will give you just enough energy to sustain your day.

• Slow down, breath when you can, walk slowly, look around you.

• Get grounded by feeling your feet on the ground or physically holding something solid and heavy.

Expect Waves of Emotional, Mental and Physical Experiences

These experiences may surprise you and feel unexpected and sometimes even a lack of emotion may be experienced. These are all important and normal.

• Emotions may include numbness, anger, sadness, anxiety, happiness, guilt, regret, sometimes all at once.

• “Grief Brain” is extremely common: forgetfulness, exhaustion, confusion, overwhelm and difficulty focusing.

• Physical experiences may include tightness in chest, throat, or stomach; changes in appetite; feeling like “something is missing or forgotten” (especially at specific times of the day when you would interact with your person)

Protect your Nervous System

After a loss it can be easy to become overwhelmed by images, stories, noise, light, color, and other stimulus. Places like the grocery store can be especially overwhelming.

• Give yourself time to rest and recharge after a social encounter or other activity

• Identify a “buffer” or point person who can convey information to others and receive well wishes

• Protect yourself from others’ opinions and connect with those you trust.

• Give yourself healthy distractions, especially those that let you focus just a little (like puzzles, coloring, or doing something with your hands)

• Practice little moments of comfort (wrap yourself in a blanket, watch a comforting movie, have a “sick day”).

• Write down or practice what you want to say to people either to tell them about the loss or politely decline to discuss.

Compassion and Patience

When we are in shock, it’s important to be patient and kind to ourselves first. You may not have the energy to complete everything that needs to be done, or even if you do a little during the day, you are more exhausted than normal. Expect your patience to be short and irritation to be high. Try to let go of what you should do and focus on what you are able to do in this moment.

Seeking Support

Often in the first days, weeks and even months after a death you may feel more supported by those closest to you. Some people find that there is less support as weeks go by or your support needs change as grief changes. Finding a grief counselor, therapist or group can be helpful after some of the shock wears off, if not before.